In the beginning of the week, I started school feeling absolutely dreadful & full of hard feelings. I felt awful, felt like no one understood, felt like the end of the world cuz even my results were so disappointing.

I thought I was going crazy. Well, maybe I was. I was contemplating leaving church for awhile, I started to see my service to God as "unclean & unworthy". Yes I quote you that, cuz that was the kind of feeling that overwhelmed me for nearly two months now. Maybe you could call that disillusionment. I just couldn't accept things as it is, & that will never change. Say, I still can't accept that such an important person in my life has left me... Guess the experience was too traumatic. It really was.

Till on Wednesday, I suddenly felt some hope. I finally could hear God calling out to me so profusely, & I finally felt that though it seemed like everyone had forgotten about me, or couldn't care less, He who created me & allowed all this grief to be present, hasn't forsaken me! In fact, I just refused to let Him do His thing. Before this, I couldn't remember when was the last time I had a proper quiet time (soild quiet time with the Lord) or prayed cuz I really wanted to connect with Him, but I did remember when was the last time I lied about the state of my Quiet time/Life cuz proper QT would mean life. It was last Friday.

But on Wednesday..

After school, the girls & I went to Cedar for training. Charissa came to me, told me she was present at YF's captain's ball competition & that she was interested to come to church. I was.. amazed. I can seriously only stand amazed at God's wonderful Perfect Plan. A few days before this, I was on the verge of breaking down, thinking that there's no way I could break free & escape this cloud of darkness that has enshrined me. I was thinking of taking a break from SGLeadering (being totally honest here, whoever reading this), cuz I wanted to be able to come "clean & pure" before Him, but I found that I just couldn't, cuz I came to YF each week with such a heavy heart. But, God, so amazingly & critically placed an opportunity right before me to bring someone new to YF, & to follow up on her. Was He trying to say something to me? He was, I figured.

On fateful Thursday, GP paper 1 was given out. I honestly didn't even dare hold any hopes for the grades anymore. Of course, I didn't blame God for the atrocious grades.. But with sweet surprise, I scored among the higher ones in class. No, I'm not letting pride get in my way. I was just very surprised, & even more thankful. At that moment, I started to feel a tinge of hope, I felt like as though God was whispering "JOY, YOUR LIFE ISN'T CRUMBLING DOWN. I AM HERE. & I LISTEN, I UNDERSTAND." I was overjoyed. To a certain extent, can you try to imagine that? Before that, I felt like I was close to depression, not lying. And later that day during History tutorial, I stepped into class & Mr Khoo said was giving out History papers & He encouragingly said to me" Don't worry Joy, you did good work." Of course and expectedly enough, the results were pretty good. Just had that really shiok feeling definitely.. & I was more affirmative that God was speaking to me. That I should not despair, cuz there's much more to hope for.. In a more complete life with Christ. I was genuinely happy that day, even though not to mention that I heard a piece of sad news when I reached home. It did make me ponder whether God was mocking me. I guess not, shouldn't think that way either. I was upset, of course I was... ... It hit me hard. But I chose to believe, to have a more faith. My faith shouldn't be one that gets swallowed up or chewed by my cowardness when the going gets tough. It should be more than that, I know it.

In all, I'm just so thankful, I'm back in God's arms.

& this is not through my own efforts, or Sam's or Michelle's.